I am having a hard time writing.
I am not sure what I want to write and I am not sure even what to write on this blank screen.
This will be my first post in almost a month I would like to say, maybe less maybe more.
I created this blog to be my escape to be a way for me to write my thoughts down instead of pushing further into my soul to a place where I can 'forget'.
Oh, if only such place existed.
I'd give anything to get rid of the guilt and self hatred I have towards myself.
I have such a past.
One that I wish I could forget, but know for a fact such thing could only be a wish and not a reality.
My ex and I were not so good together.
Today I was watching a video of a woman confronting a Starbucks employee for using her credit card and charging over $200.00 to it. She was 19, worked part time and went to school full time. She kept begging the lady to not press charges but the lady pretty much made it clear that since she was 19 , she worked for her money, the girl did know right from wrong. The girl did know that if she was caught, she could go to jail and be prosecuted.Still, even with those consequences, she still did what she did. Now, I know times are hard and I am NOT one to even judge, but seeing that video brought up some feelings.
My ex and I stole alot from my family. I've come to admit it and acknowledge that it did in fact happen. That I was part of a scheme to hurt my family and destroy trust that will in fact still take years to restore. I stole things from my mom and nana because "he" told me to. Cause he made me believe that they owed me something when in fact they didnt. I knew right from wrong and still I made the decision to take what was NOT mine and sell it with my ex.
I am struggling everyday to forgive myself for that.
My mom has told me to my face, she has forgiven me, for everything Ryan manipulated me to do and even for the things I said and did to her.
But, can I forgive myself?
