Snow day!

Its Sunday.
The day after it snowed or we had a "blizzard warning".

Jesses friend came over and helped us shovel out.

I have a killer toothache which is leading to a killer headache.

I just did my nails, I feel shitty.

okay. bye

Free Yourself

Cut loose ends.
Break away from one sided friendships.
Cleanse yourself from the negative energy you once carried.

Life is way to beautiful and precious to have negativity.  Why be sad?  Why hate life?  Why hate people?  I can see how you'd want to, I mean i fight a battle with waking up every morning and I deal with stupid people at both my jobs (Not my co-workers, the people who call in or come to skate).  It's seems impossible to stay happy all day doesn't it?  It's not impossible.

As of recently I started saying "Good Morning God" every day on my way to work.  I drive 25-30 minutes to work every day and at some point I tell him thanks.  Now, I am NOT the most religious person, I haven't been since 2014ish....I don't go to church on Sunday's and I don't read the bible.  I do know scriptures, and I do believe it's a relationship and not Religion.  I can see how many people can argue how God doesn't exist, but I will always believe in God.  I will always thank him for letting me see another day for letting me make it another year.  I made it to 25 years old, almost 26, not many people from my high school and even graduating class won't see it to 26.  I won't be seeing a few of my classmates at our 10 year high school reunion.  It's something that it a reality.  Not something to be scared of or afraid of.  Death happens, it's a part of life.  I just pray and hope my time won't be for years down the road, like 102,,,maybe 103. That'd be cool, live to be 103 years old.

When you surround yourself with negative people, I feel like your life loses some light.  Like working overnights actually takes years off your lifespan, I feel like negative energy and surrounding yourself with negative people takes years off your life span.  Call me crazy, but I spent 3 years of my life with someone who was so toxic, I was convinced I was going to die.  During those 3 years, I lost so much weight unhealthily, I would walk into work with bruises and hand marks on my wrists and arms, and I would constantly have things thrown at me or be thrown to the ground. I was killing myself being with him.  Ever since I experienced that, I don't ever want to go back to feeling those feelings.  Why should anyone?

You are worth having a great life. You are worth having someone fall in love with you and you are worth finding your calling in life.  You are meant to do something wonderful, so go do it!

UGH!

"Leave me alone"....
Why do some people think that this sentence is ONLY used in a negative context?? 
It's like, people get offended when they hear "Leave me alone, please" or "could you please, leave me alone".  They take it to heart, they take is as if you don't want them around you.  That in a way you are better than them and honestly you aren't.  

Now, I am not saying that's how you as an individual thinks, it was more of a generalization of the responses one usually gets. (I say from experience).  

For instance, today I get home from work and my boyfriend is out bowling with his friend.  Today I asked him if he could take a while coming home cause I'd like to eat dinner alone.  He questioned it.  Then, I get home from work, I start to unwind a little, but the small pile of clothes I asked him to put into the laundry room at some point before I came home was still exactly where I left it this morning.  I am a little aggravated. I won't try to say I'm not.  So I mention it to him and then he kind of starts to go "tit for tat".  That's annoying.  We started to "bicker" as he would say but then I just went to doing my own thing.  I am not always in a mood to be touched the minute I come home from work, or the minute I see my boyfriend or even my friends.  I believe that if you are carrying a negative energy, when you touch someone or have any type of physical contact with them the energy can carry over to them.  Ergo, if I have a negative energy why would i want to pass that along to someone else?  But my boyfriend doesn't see it that way.  He see's it as me being rude or him doing something wrong and it's not always that. well, it's not that at all. I just didn't want to be touched at the moment he wanted to hug me.  I had a very bad drive home.  I live about 25-30 minutes away from my job and sometimes there are idiots driving to Nassau the same time I am and tonight was one of those nights.  There was a van who kept driving quick when i was not in the same lane, but the minutes I got behind him he'd slow down, then another mini van just decided to cut in front of me using no blinker.  I swear, it's like people forget how to drive a fucking car.  The forget the rules of the road and that their stupidity can cost someone their life.  I mean really, i really don't get people.  So by the time I got home, I was still just so frustrated with the drive I just wanted to unwind my own way.  Unfortunately my boyfriend came home shortly after I did and of course wanted a hug.  I just wasn't having it.  

It's selfish, I know but at the same time it's boundaries I set for myself.  He's a good man, he's just lazy. In a way it kind of worries me.  He's had his good days where he's cleaned the bathroom for me and vacuumed but majority of the time I need to ask him a couple times, or just do it myself.  It's not like an automatic thing.  It kind of worries me in a way...for the future.  I don't want to be that wife/mom that comes home from work, helps the kids with homework, cleans the house a bit, does laundry and doesn't get to sit down until 10 p.m. at night.  I understand he has days off, but instead of playing 4 video games in a row, he could do a load of laundry in between those games.  Things don't really get done, and then i get stressed out cause I'd love to have a day off and just tackle everything i need to, but that doesn't happen cause theres so much to do, and I work on the weekends.  

I sound like I am so ungrateful, but I'm just venting.  I finally don't have writers block.

Back to the original meaning of this post...I said "Leave me alone please, I don't want a hug right now" to Jesse and he was very upset.  It's like he doesn't get that I handle things differently than him.  I don't do drugs, I can't, I'm deathly allergic (THE IRONY) so i can't just pop a pill and change my mood.  I have to deal with things the old fashion way, the making sense of the day way.  Once i do that, I'll give and take as many hugs as people want but, he probably won't be in the mood OR he'll want to talk to me about it.  He always does.  Cant' break the rule.  

I love him for that. He does always try. ALWAYS TRIES, so I appreciate that.  Very much. I love him very much as well. 

But, I just don't think 'leave me alone' is negative.  It could be said as a negative, yes but any words can!  They are words that are used as expression ones emotions or feelings.  I felt like being left alone, so I asked that.  Don't take things the wrong way. 

End pointless rant, but I feel so much better cause it's my blog and I'll write and post whatever I want.  Until I get ideas of really using this for something, it'll be filled with random posts.  

I miss the early 2000's, Myspace was the shit and my TUMBLR was cool. 

I am having a hard time writing.

I am not sure what I want to write and I am not sure even what to write on this blank screen. 

This will be my first post in almost a month I would like to say, maybe less maybe more. 

I created this blog to be my escape to be a way for me to write my thoughts down instead of pushing further into my soul to a place where I can 'forget'. 

Oh, if only such place existed. 

I'd give anything to get rid of the guilt and self hatred I have towards myself.  

I have such a past.

One that I wish I could forget, but know for a fact such thing could only be a wish and not a reality.

My ex and I were not so good together. 

Today I was watching a video of a woman confronting a Starbucks employee for using her credit card and charging over $200.00 to it. She was 19, worked part time and went to school full time.  She kept begging the lady to not press charges but the lady pretty much made it clear that since she was 19 , she worked for her money, the girl did know right from wrong.  The girl did know that if she was caught, she could go to jail and be prosecuted.Still, even with those consequences, she still did what she did.  Now, I know times are hard and I am NOT one to even judge, but seeing that video brought up some feelings.

My ex and I stole alot from my family.  I've come to admit it and acknowledge that it did in fact happen.  That I was part of a scheme to hurt my family and destroy trust that will in fact still take years to restore.  I stole things from my mom and nana because "he" told me to. Cause he made me believe that they owed me something when in fact they didnt.  I knew right from wrong and still I made the decision to take what was NOT mine and sell it with my ex. 

I am struggling everyday to forgive myself for that.  

My mom has told me to my face, she has forgiven me, for everything Ryan manipulated me to do and even for the things I said and did to her.  

But, can I forgive myself?  

video blogging

Well, I just tried posting a video that i've recorded and deleted about 13 times.  I have not yet painted my nails.  My boyfriend went to Hockey and I have been sitting at home.

I have cried in the video and have expressed some raw emotions.  Hopefully I can figure out how to upload it.

if not tonight then tomorrow.

till then

sleep.

night

its been a while

i havent been writing in a few weeks, but I will post something tonight.


pause for reaction.

Skate, Pass, Skate, SHOOT!

As of right now, Monday November 30th at 10:36 p.m. I am watching my boyfriends Hockey Game.  I am freezing, my hands are numb and I'm starving. I was just a crying mess before and I had to stop all that and muster up before walking in.  

That's the thing. 

I am not giving myself enough time to really cry. 

 I cry for maybe 6 minutes and then I make myself stop.

I shouldn't be holding back emotions or making myself stop trying to cope with healthy emotions.   mean really...how am I supposed to get better mentally if I shut down my emotions the first time I start to sense them. 

It's honestly almost as if I'm scared to cry.

I don't have the coping skills yet. I let my depression get the best of me. 

Past all the shivering and frozen hands i am almost jealous of Jesse being able to play.  

I used to figure skate (shocking, i know) and being on the ice made me feel so free, still makes me feel so free.  I don't know exactly what it is.  When I'm on the ice I feel that the possibilities are limitless. 

When no one was around last year while I was working at the ice-rink my best friend and I would just skate, and skate and skate.  We'd practice stopping and race each other.  

We'd also watch the boys play hockey.

I love being on the ice and anything to do with it.

Granted I am not as knowledgeable as J is with Hockey and I would not ever say I was.  

I lost interest really when I was with Ryan.
He made me forget the things that made me happy and that made me feel myself.

I have two pairs of skates, 1 hockey and 1 figure skates. 

My figure skate aren't really anything special as I once had. 

They are built for comfort and to not really do tricks on.

I feel like once I lose the rest of my weight and train hard I will go back to figure skating.

Skating in general burns a lot of calories. 

At first I didn't want to come. 

I literally was set on staying home. There's laundry that needed to be done and then I could have made dinner.  The game is supposed to be over at 11:30 but by the time we get home it may be 1.  I am not trying to be tired at work tomorrow.  I feel less productive.

I also still have to shower. 

All these are my excuses for not coming to his game. 

He dragged me. He made me come. 

Am I glad now?

It's an interesting game.
They were up by one but when that happens they seem to lose sight and forget that it's not over yet.

They also haven't been playing together as long and they probably don't practice.

 Score is now 4-3 still down by one but it's still early in the game. 

I guess maybe I should test my writing skills right.
Try to give a little description of what the players may be thinking?

Yeah, probably not.

Maybe when I'm on the ice myself I'll be able to figure it out. 

For now I'll watch by the side and root for the team.

Happy or not.