That was due to me not choosing the best relationships. I chose relationships on people who were hurt like me. My longest and worst relationship was with a boy that I've known since I was 11 years old. It was more of me being comfortable then actual love. I was more in lust with this boy then in love. I maybe loved him for the first 4 months of our relationship but after then I started to really fall out of it. I couldn't stand the way he looked at me, or even spoke to me. He took to long to answer my texts and I would constantly get sinking feelings from him doing wrong. It's as if God was trying to expose his indiscretions to my but I was to prideful to accept them. He was cheating and even though I knew he was, I waited for proof (which you don't ever wait for. your proof is your gut feeling and when it says "get the hell out" you pack your pride up and go). He became abusive and I lost everything cause of him. The finger was always pointed at me though, it was always my fault. The reason why his grandparents didn't trust him cause HE stole from them. In the summer of 2012 I was homeless with him. I reached my lowest of low and I knew it. I had traded everything for him and what was I getting in return? Blame. It was such a roller coaster being with this guy, this guy who supposedly "loved" me, who would cheat on me while I was working and then blame having him picking me up from work is the reason why he had no gas. Meanwhile I had given him $40 right before to get gas, so where did that money go R?
It was the most dreadful moments of my life and I remember feeling so hopeless and feeling like there was no escape. Now 3 years single from him and almost a year into my relationship with J and i can't help but realize that it takes a bit more healing to get over the past. I have formed fights with Jesse just because.. there was no reason, it was what I was used to. However, those tricks no longer work. J loves me and shows me it everyday. I can't make him a victim for the damage that was done to me. He deserves better and I am going to start. Today is a new day and so is tomorrow although it's never a guarantee. Here's too many more days with the Love of my life and to starting over....
Here's to Day 1!
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