Memories

I can't even begin to describe how true this is.
There are positive and negative sides to this.
There are good feelings and bad feelings.
There are good memories and bad memories.

Sadly some memories get triggered by small situations or even a smell.
I've had some memories be brought back and been caught staring at my drink or even my table.  It's just hard to tell my boyfriend or even my friends what exactly my mind brought to my attention.

I've made some pretty awful decisions in my life.
I have had to face the people I've hurt on several occasions.
My mom has told me she has forgiven me but I have found it almost impossible to forgive myself.
I have stolen, lied, and hurt my family. My mom and dad, and cousins.
I turned into someone I wasn't familiar with.
I lost myself in a relationship because I was lost myself.
I didn't have self worth, or even confidence.
I wasn't even in love with the boy I was with, it was more infatuation, being comfortable, and lust.
Him and I had history, but it wasn't good history.

Things will trigger memories of times I've had with him and I'll be with J.
Don't get me wrong, I am crazy in love with J. I've known he was the one for me since 2011 so I love him more than I have ever loved myself.
It just sometimes it's hard to talk about it with him.  When I start to feel those emotions cause something will bring a "flash-back" into my head. I am big on communication and it seems like J wants to keep some parts unknown.
I don't like feeling that.
I don't like feeling that I need to keep some things to myself and not be able to keep my significant other who I'm suppose to be spending the rest of my life with not aware of things going on.
Key to a good relationship? Communication.

I can understand why J is uninterested but at the same time he should be understanding.  I spent 3 years of my life with this person.  I wasted 3 years of my life with this person who didn't give a damn about me.  He wanted to control me. He wanted to keep me but be able to fuck around whenever he pleased.  If you truly loved someone why would you try and find love in other places?  I've had to walk home from work cause he was sleeping.  Little did I know he was sleeping from all the cocaine and fucking he was doing.  I saw pictures on Facebook of him cheating on me. Can you imagine how I felt?  I finally had proof to leave.  I always had a hint he was cheating and that's what many people fail to realize.  I knew for a while what he was doing behind my back.  You think I would of left sooner or even said something, but nope.  I knew with leaving him I needed to have solid proof.  He was that type of guy, and if I was going to make it out alive I needed to make moves.  I couldn't sleep one night, his phone was going off, it was a girl he was cheating on me with, I finally had my proof.  I called my best friend/cousin she came and got me at 2 a.m. I threw my stuff out to her, threatened to call the cops and never looked back.  I was hit by him, I was choked by him, and almost died.  He threw a tire iron at me and it just missed my head.  Imagine if it hit me?  I would be either dead or severely injured.

I was able to meet with him some years later after we broke up and try to get closure, but I don't think I fully will.  He was such an abusive person.  He was verbally, mentally, physically, and spiritually abusive.  He tried to destroy me in so many ways.  He tried to break me and he didn't succeed.  But the scars are still there.  I wish I could say I'm completely healed from his abusive ways but I am still healing.  I never really vented about it until now.  And of course it's online.  But if my boyfriend won't listen, then I guess Strangers are better.  I mean, someone of you know me and some of you have no idea who I am.

I am a strange bird.  I've had a horrible past and as a child I learned to lie.  I used to be the biggest pathological liar to walk bay shore.  I was new to the town and kids were mean so I started making up things.  I made some real, true friends who knew the truth but that was about it. I lied to much I lost track of my lies.  It  was unreal now that I think back on it.  Now, recently my family got into a fight.  To be more specific it was my Aunt and Mother.  Without going into specifics my past was thrown into my mothers face.  More specifically, my old lying habits.  Yes, I used to lie, but I have not in years.  I have been honest whether people have wanted to hear it or not.  Tough.  You didn't like when I was a liar and now I am honest and you don't want me to be honest.  It's annoying.

People expect too much when you have given them a lot.
It's sickening how even family can get too greedy.

My aunt's 90th birthday party, my Godfather was there who is was also in a feud with most of my family due to my grandparents will and what not.  His daughter and I were always very close, that is until I fucked up.  Her wedding band went missing, it got pawned by my ex-boyfriend, nothing new.  Her and I had a falling out and some hurtful things were said.  Her and I have not spoken in almost 3 6 years.  It's disgusting.  She was my best friend and more like a sister to me.  He was there when I drove to her house and wanted to fight her cause she exposed something to my mother that she promised to keep a secret.  Her dad, my uncle, my godfather was there.  I told him to never speak to me again and told my cousin to rot in hell.  I wasn't mad at him for her and I, I was mad at him cause of things he's said to my mother.  For making her cry.  When we lost his wife, who was such an incredible woman, I said Hi to him then and gave him a hug.  I can't quite remember what happened in-between that but when I saw him at my aunts birthday party I just didn't say "hello".  It was probably wrong of me, but I am not there yet.

Ugh, rant is coming to an end.
Sorry for not making sense.
Goodnight <3 nbsp="" p="">